I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
