you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
