oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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