Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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