for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
