tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
