I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
