We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
