Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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