drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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