I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
