K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
