My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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