My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
