I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize