After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
