a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
