please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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