you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
