My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Mom said you looked used
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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