i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
