Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
