I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
