come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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