I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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