I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
