After last night, I could never be a politician.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
