How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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