***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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