I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
