i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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