I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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