Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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