i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
