Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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