I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
