I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
