3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Randomize
