Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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