if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
