You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
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