Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize