My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
