So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
