phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize