It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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