The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
