I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
