why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
