I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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