Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
