I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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