Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
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