Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
