Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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