When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
