Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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