I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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