ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
