Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
